Wow, that was such a feeling!
Let me take you from the beginning. Growing up I had adequate if not excessive knowledge about the boy girl relationship, that was because I grew up in the midst of boys, older and younger ones alike. My second older brother was the Wikipedia of everything relationship and also president of women affairs. You can't blame him, his good looks and brilliance always got him any kind of girl . He had this so easy way of sweet talking girls almost into anything, even my eldest brother sometime sought his help and ideas on women affair. So I knew the basic lines serious and not serious guys used back then for girls and came prepared!
Secondary school (High school) love relationship wasn't my thing, even if it were ,my parents and brothers were always armed to the teeth, keeping me away from any sort of male that is not blood related. When I got into the University, with my vast knowledge on boy-girl things, I came over prepared not to fall 'mugu' for any boy/man, like some girls did for my brother. And because I was quite young, I decided not to date anyone until I turned 18 or more, so during the first few years in Uni, I I kept my 'cookie' to myself, knowing fully well that any boyfriend then was just going to ask for sex, which he's not even going to take seriously.
As a pretty girl, I had a lot of male toasters, but we remained friends except for a few I gave some special titles of 'Chewing gum Boyfriends' simply because they held some positions in school, like Course reps , departmental excos and co. These ones, I shined teeth with more than the others. You can say I took after my brother, I knew better than not to be careful. Turning 18 happened so fast, I didn't even realize so, and Love didn't happen as I had thought until I turned 20.
Few months to my 20th birthday I met this cute dude, after weeks of 'initial gra gra', I fell for him, and things moved up sharply more than I had thought, lol. I was in love.
Pretty soon, things moved to the next level, wow! I decided to give in, no plenty talks, I wasn't coerced, I was in better control of my emotions and needs, I knew I wanted it at that point, and he didn't give a lame excuse like I heard from my former chewing gums boys, I wasn't going in to prove any stupid thing to anyone.
So on the D-day it happened, Omg! It felt somehow, it was a mixed feeling of 'is this what it is and did I just do this' . It felt awkward I must say.
The aftermath feeling wasn't what I expected. After we did it, I traveled home and throughout the entire period of my vacation, I felt like I've betrayed everything in my home, from the door mat to the dressing mirror. It seemed like I heard everything and everyone at home chanting 'Why Did You Do It, We Know You've Done It' like they did in the movie 'Jane The Virgin' . It seemed like I was walking naked even while I had my clothes on, and everyone saw through my huge sin.
Church and some movies at that time wasn't even helping issues, they all focused on importance of virginity, it's rewards and how girls of nowadays can't hold body again.
Omg, inside of my head, I kept saying 'They'all know, the entire universe is against me. Maybe my mom is aware and indirectly waiting for me to come clean and confess, Lol. I couldn't even have a proper gist with my mom, each time she called for a private talk, I would think she wants to tell me that she's aware of my sexcapade! I dodged and hid from any lone times until my vacay was over! I was so guilty! I almost broke the news...yeah, it was that tensed.
Meanwhile, in addition to the psyche battle, I was dealing with anatomical issues too. I sometimes shower with mirror, trying to view the V-area and find out what has really changed, comparing before and after. Seriously I didn't think a whole me with my advancement and knowledge would act like this afterwards, I must have embarrassed my alter ego or my entire self.
Pheew! It was highly a tormenting period,but I still don't understand it, I was grown up and did it with clear eyes, so why did I feel this way?? Is there any one else who felt this way afterwards?? I need to know also, is Virginity really that big of a deal??
~Mrs X
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wow! Readers, the floor is open. Anonymous comment ID is always open, if you need it.
waiting to read from you! My take on this one is quite lengthy, so I would have to respond to similar comments>.
I can totally relate to this. Seems like yesterday experience.
ReplyDeleteI hope that was the first and last one
ReplyDeleteHow is that your business? people like you are the reasons African women get marginalized and can't talk about sex freely. please shut up or skip the post.
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